Addiction to conviction is a contradiction Envision A vision so blurred Slurring every word So in touch with the inside Invisible pride Run and hide But it follows you Swallows you first Cursing How did I get here again Naked and losing another friend Begging for the end Or for an illness that keeps you bedridden So you can stay Hidden from the world In a whole hearted devotional Dedicated to Patron or Cuervo Maybe a cup of joe With Kahlua for taste Or a shotgun party Pulling the tab and Sucking the bubbles back An ungrateful fight out of spite Cuz he takes the knife from my hand Get sober Clear your mind Only do this for enough time To sign a contract with the devil To better my contact And drink without condition Or with it Eviction notice again Not only from my home But my body and soul Roaming without a cause Living to be an option Never a choice Voice every wrong opinion and Swing the hammer On everyone else's noise Poise never set in my life I can blame strife Or trifling hoes It goes to show how fucked I was Before the drink ever made me sink Shrinking me to the size of an ant With an ego of Oprah Only I never changed the world I just sat and licked my wounds Begging everyone to fix them Takes a steady hand One only another alcoholic has Of all the times I've caused pain to myself It never hurt as much As when I realized I'm standing alone My infantry is KIA Rest in peace Be free So there That's how I feel about my alcohol experience. The fight isn't a fight when it's me versus the world. But why does it always have to be a war? Why does everyone in my life need to be a soldier in Justine's quest for attention? My obsession isn't with alcohol or war or money or men or love. My obsession is to be loved. But I never learned how to be loved. And this is where my journey begins. (written from a cold rehab floor in 2013)
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