Hi, how are you doing? And please not the bullshit response of, “I’m doing fine, thanks, and yourself?” How Are You Doing?

It is currently 3 zero 3 AM and I just finished a brainstorming session on what to build to help keep the neighborhood cats warm this winter. I was checking the weather and saw a warning of it being record-breaking cold outside in my area. What The Fuck. I put up with the cold so that I can play in the snow! Where is all the damn snow?! I’ll tell you where, Buffalo. My home. The place that I should have never left but alas, here I am.

Today, December 13th, 2024 is my 9th consecutive year without impaling my spirit with the spirits of American culture. I celebrated my 37th birthday this year and still get lost in the awe of it because my friends and I were sure that I would be in the 27 Club. Perhaps that is a bit presumptuous to assume because: Who the fuck am I? Why would my death have mattered at all? I had no one in my life of substance and I hated myself more than the people my addiction swallowed did. I wanted to die many times in my life. I still think about death but it is more a morbid fascination with what happens at the end.

I am agnostic. There is a whole chapter in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous titled, We Agnostics. People in meetings would always say that it was the free pass for my heathen ass to stick around the tables. With that, I dissected the chapter and showed them everywhere that they were wrong. I didn’t want God and I left many times because of just that. First coming around the program, I couldn’t handle the vocabulary. The second helping I was willing to eat all the stale snacks they were willing to throw my way. I ate all their shit up and even converted for a while. God was the first one who knew about my relapse because I asked Him to make me drop the 6-pack if I shouldn’t drink it – I hugged it tighter. Years went by and the AA’s kept saying I had to have a higher power. “Get a Higher Power or you’ll die!” Well, Colleen S., I tried to die for years and for some reason beyond insanity I survived every single time. A cat with nine lives; or am I my own higher power?

That’s who the fuck I am. I am a goddess in my own right. I have created life, not only literally through my daughter’s beautiful eyes, but by taking back my power over addiction and giving myself a chance to live. There are two parts to what has worked for me to stay sober for the past 9 years:

1. Being of Service to Others

My first higher power was Nature. Makes sense, I cannot control nature and Mother Earth can decide at any moment to end my being. Besides, earth gives me bud so that is definitely Higher powers at play. My second higher power was, Love. When I was in college I had a professor tell me that there are only two true human emotions: Love and Fear. Love is the light, it will always take away the darkness. I needed to learn how to receive it in my life, I am still learning. Wisdom gained from my weaving journey through AA was mostly that it wasn’t the 12 steps that gave me the needed resuscitation. What saved my life was that some of these people weren’t going to let me die on their table. The people that dumped my booze, answered the phone, gave me rides, gave me food, gave me somewhere to live, gave me jobs, gave me a chance. Experience, strength and hope. I heard their stories and I felt like, “holy shit, I am totally not that bad!” then I was that bad. I watched people lose their children and stay clean. It showed me how to handle my own departed. The old timers gave me hope and the newcomers gave me a healthy fear of where I came from. “You can only keep what you have by giving it away” – ukn In the past nine years, I have made myself a beacon of hope for others. This extends to newcomers, rustic members in my community, homeless animals, the earth and beyond. The opportunity to help someone else is a gift today that I am so passionate about. I volunteer as much as possible from picking up trash to petting kitties at the animal shelter. I am an active member of my local Buy Nothing in which I give unwanted clutter away. I also regularly make monetary and food donations trying give back what was so freely given to me. My online presence has also grown from moderating and mentoring in Stoned Sober to supporting other homeschooling families, veterans and single mothers. I am a present friend today. “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away” – Pablo Picasso It is my purpose to act with love and be the light. We are all higher powers to someone. Are you love or fear?

2. Self Love

If I am a higher power, I need to treat myself like one. For me, this one is much harder than the external forces. If only I could treat myself as kindly as I do my friends, grocer or the stranger next to me at the red light that ended up cutting me off. Why am I so goddamn self-sacrificing? (I know exactly why) For all the partners I have chased into an alcohol-driven fun-house tunnel, you’d think I would be a lot thinner. I drank myself to death, literally. Smoking, junk food, staying up all night (time check: 3:45), sedentary, stress, anger, fear and resentments. I know these are all toxic to my well-being. For nine years, I have made constant efforts to improve all of these areas. My motto for life, “I just want to be a little better today than I was yesterday”. What does that look like for me currently? Well, besides eating candy at four o’clock in the morning, I am writing this ode. I am being honest. Though AA is no longer a regular part of my life, those connections to slogans, lessons learned and friendship will always be felt in my life. Recently, I started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings. It hasn’t been long enough to determine the level of reprieve it will provide but any amount of free healing is welcomed. I listen to a lot of audiobooks lately to gain insight, advice and clarity in many dimensions of my life. I talk to people when I am feeling weird. If Cheryl is busy, I text Shannon, if Shanny isn’t around I text Brita, if Brita is in the ER being a badass (today is also her 10th anniversary!), then I will call Dan. I have safe people in my life today that I can say more than, “I’m fine, thanks for asking”. I give myself permission to slow down. In the past few years, I have learned a lot about myself and my limitations. I honor my disabilities today. I am not capable some days and that is okay. It’s okay to not be okay. I go to the dentist, and doctors. I am an advocate for my overall health today. I am still in counseling trying to unfuck it all. The ball of knots is definitely smaller now. Here is the hardest one: take time for myself. I am a solo parent to a youngster so this is challenging just for that reason but by the end of my active alcoholism, there was nothing left of me. I was hollow. Nothing brought me joy and I had quit everything I loved to do. This continued through my last toxic love which followed immediately by becoming a mother. At nine years of sobriety I am still a work in progress, SURPRISE! 1,948 days without a cigarette, 2,159 days without codependent relationships, 3,287 days without a drink.

Just for today, I want to live. 

I’m not sure this letter became what I had envisioned. Certainly not, some profound speech that will change the world one alcoholic at a time but maybe a slightly above average live journal entry of an angsty emokid. This is me though; jagged, authentic and stoned. As my heart is still beating and I refuse to be anyone else. The only power greater than myself is myself. The rest is just karma. Haha, just kidding, sort of. Be the light and Light em’ up my friends! To nine years, many more and all the homies lost in the seas of despair….

The easy way is never the right way. To find peace, you have to get uncomfortable.

Easy Does It, but Do It!